backdraft (victoryblown) wrote in queens_of_drama,

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realizations of the worst kind

realization 1. my unconcious mission:

i will not let anyone leave me before i get the chance to fuck it all up for the both of us. so what if i'll be left alone? i do get a kick off feeling lonely. i do enjoy the misery. sometimes i wonder if i have a bit of the midus touch curse,; everyone i get close to is forced to leave. i've decided to enter friendships and break it before it breaks me. i will not be hurt by someone else again. i am the only one allowed that privilage.

realization 2. the lie of how fast time flies:

suicide isn't that big a deal, it just effects me the same way my dad's death effected me. i feel like i'm missing something from my life, although the death is easy to accept. the dying part doesn't matter, it's just the hole that forms in you after that person is gone that does.. the small death you feel when that person is gone, reminding you of your own mortality. of how short life can be and how quickly it can all leave you. it is that death that tells you not to hope for anything more than today, and not even that. time is shorter than we think. we can feel time creep up on us, and even that is a false interpretation of how fast it can all pass by. maybe that's why i was so willing to let it all go, and why now i realize that i can live a few more years... it'll go by so fast anyway.
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